Unless you’re into medical-themed sex, I guess.
1. You look forward to getting your feet in those stirrups like you’re a world-class jockey.
Will today be the day they finally do your gender ultrasound?
2. Weight gain elicits high fives from the nursing staff.
“WHOOO! Three more pounds — nice work, mama!!!”
LOL. Like you have to work at gaining weight.
3. “Loosen up” takes on a totally different meaning.
No, seriously. Unclench while this stranger peers into your dark places.
4. The doctor may be about to palm your cervix, but you still fold your undies into your pants when you take them off.
Underthings are personal, yo.
5. You pay someone to stick a camera up your lady business.
A camera that looks like that thing on the right. You pay actual money for the honor.
6. Trying to pee in a cup when you can’t see the cup should be an Olympic sport.
Until then, make sure the paper towel dispenser is stocked BEFORE you attempt to give your sample.
7. That is, of course, if you still retain any control over your bladder whatsoever.
Sometimes it’s best to just chug a liter of water while you’re sitting on the toilet.
8. It might be the only place on earth you can get baby fever while you’re already pregnant.
That is, while simultaneously vowing to never have children…again.
9. At some point, you’ll probably barf, despite not being there for a sick visit.
“Hey, doc, I have a question about my — BLLEEAAAAHHHHHHHHHH.”
10. You apologize every time for your disco bush, even though you know no one cares.
“Because, see…it’s just that…I stopped being able to reach.”
11. Your OB is the only doctor who will force-feed you orange drink just to see how much it fucks up your system.
12. You get to do a vagina puzzle while you wait!
What do you mean that’s not a puzzle?
13. You keep getting bigger, but the gowns don’t.
C’mon! They know they have pregnant patients!
14. Where else would your spouse stand awkwardly aside while a relative stranger inserts things into your vagina?
It’s a rhetorical question. You do you.
15. Just when you think you’ve seen it all, they go and take a culture of your asshole.
Q-tips have a variety of uses!
16. There may come a time when you will ask your doctor to scrape away the surface of your cervix.
You will beg for it. You will do anything to get that baby out. Bring the pain.
17. It’s cool, though. You’ll somehow still want to thank your OB when it’s over.
After all, they’re about to introduce you to the love of your life.