You’re going to need to know this stuff before you’re someone’s old man.
1. When you’re out and about with your kid — but not your partner — someone will probably ask if you’re “babysitting.”
You’ll want to say, “Actually, it’s called ‘parenting’ when it’s your own kid,” but it’s best just to smile and move on.
2. Also, pretty women will smile at you a lot more than normal, but it’s because of your kid.
This is important to remember so you don’t make a fool of yourself.
3. You shouldn’t expect to immediately be a master at packing the car for family trips.
Trunk space management is a learned skill, and your dad packed many, many cars before he became the Tetris champ you know and love today.
4. You’re going to get kicked in the balls… a lot.
Not only kicked, but also punched, elbowed, and head-butted.
5. You will only fully understand how nasty men’s rooms are when you have to take your kid into one.
6. You will also find it maddening how few men’s rooms have changing tables.
7. There is a very good chance you will be asked to dress up like a princess.
Just go with it.
8. You won’t be immune to “onesie fever” just because you’re a dude.
“OMG! It’s the members of Metallica looking like South Park characters! Can we get it, honey? Can we?”
9. Once you have kids, people will start calling all the same jokes you’ve always told “dad jokes.”
From now on you’ll measure a joke’s success by the volume of groans, not laughter.
10. Also, your dancing will henceforth be forever referred to as “dad dancing.”
I don’t care if you’re Usher, you will embarrass your kids if you dance.
11. You will become the go-to person for dealing with all of the nasty stuff in your home.
“Honey! There’s a giant spider in here!”
“Dad, I threw up on my bedspread!”
12. You will act silly with your kids in a way you would never act in front of any other human being.
13. When you take your kid to a sporting event, you will spend no less than 40% of your time acquiring snacks and souvenirs for them.
That is when you’re not taking them to the bathroom.
14. You will find talking to your friends without kids more difficult.
You: “Mabel started crawling yesterday! That’s a major milestone!”
Your friend: “…….”
You: “And she, uh, did it during The Patriots game.”
Your friend: “Oh yeah, bro? Tom Brady is a machine!”
15. You will throw your back out.
You could avoid this by not throwing your kids in the air, but what fun is that?
16. Pretending to be interested when your kid talks about Minecraft will be one of your greatest challenges.
17. You will develop an undeniable urge to troll your kids.
There will be no greater music to your ears than, “DAAAAAAAAD!!!!”
18. “Daddy brain” is real.
You: “What’s the guy’s name, you know, the main guy in Pirates of the Caribbean?
Your buddy: “Johnny Depp?”
You: “Yeah, him.”
19. Your kids will more than likely trash one of your favorite possessions.
So if you have something you really care about, you’d be wise to put it in storage for the next 18 years or so.
20. You will revel in potty humor in a way you haven’t since you were a kid yourself.
A sentence you WILL say: “Hey, kiddo, pull my finger.”
21. You will accidentally hurt your kid and feel terrible.
Try not to beat yourself up too much. It happens to the best of us.
22. You will turn into your dad.
“Do I look like I’m made out of money?”
23. You may develop a “beer belly,” which more accurately could be described as a “beer/birthday cake/mac and cheese/leftover kid meal” belly.
“Are you not going to finish these chicken fingers?”