Everything you didn’t know you needed to know about this year’s big game.
1. Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll might be a 9/11 truther.
During a meeting with retired four-star general Peter Chiarelli, the Seahawks coach reportedly pressed the former high-ranking military official on most 9/11 conspiracy theories — particularly on whether or not a plane actually hit the Pentagon.
2. Seahawks star quarterback Russell Wilson gets his porn from Twitter.
Come on, man, step up your porn game. That’s why God invented streaming websites and “incognito” browsing.
3. Rob Gronkowski is friendly with Justin Bieber.
Sure, Rob Gronkowski is a football/party robot sent to Earth to redefine our lame ideas of what it means to be awesome — HOWEVER, enjoying the company of Justin Bieber is unforgivable.
4. Tom Brady does emo black-and-white Ugg commercials.
The dog is cute, though. Can’t hate on the pooch.
5. The Seahawks sell watered-down beer at CenturyLink Field.
THEY WATERED DOWN BUD LIGHT! HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?
6. Patriots owner Bob Kraft accused Vladamir Putin of stealing his Super Bowl ring.
Yeah, this is a real thing. The Patriots owner also claims that the U.S. government made him claim that he gave Putin the diamond-encrusted ring as a gift — to avoid conflict.
7. Marshawn Lynch did not know that Buffalo was not New York City.
He thought he was going to be hanging out with Jay Z.
8. Macklemore is a big Seahawks fan.
9. Jon Bon Jovi is good friends with Bob Kraft.
10. Patriots head coach Bill Belichick was — and still is — a smug lacrosse bro.
The surly Patriots coach grew up in lacrosse-crazed Maryland, a place where parents name their blazer-and-khaki-clad kids Tad, Chaz, and Landon. Belichick spent his formative years at Wesleyan University, in Connecticut, where he played both football and lacrosse. No offense to people that play and enjoy lacrosse, but you have to admit it makes him even more hatable.
11. This super-cool Patriots fan exists.
Pats fans show off tattoos, including “Belichick yourself before you wreck yourself” arm tat http://t.co/VljHwMAG2E
12. And this one.
Some of the worst tattoos NFL fans have ever gotten. What were they thinking? http://t.co/4UzoJNjopo
13. This picture of Seattle Seahawks General Manager John Schneider exists.
It clearly states on page 134 in Section B of the rule book that fortysomething white men in khakis are never allowed to wear a WWE championship belt while shirtless.
14. The New England Patriots Twitter account let THIS happen.
15. When Bob Kraft helped his VERY YOUNG girlfriend with her audition tape.
Yep, not awkward or uncomfortable at all.
16. The Seahawks pay Texas A&M to use the term “12th Man.”
In 2006, the Seahawks paid an initial $100,000 to the University to use term “12th Man” and pay an additional $5,000 every year. The current contract runs out in 2016.
17. The Patriots trademarked the phrase “Do Your Job.”
How original of them! I’m sure the Patriots are the only organization in the history of paid employment that has ever held its employees accountable!
18. Marshawn Lynch drives around with velvet ropes to guard his Lamborghini.
19. The Patriots kept the Tim Tebow soap opera alive.
Did Bill Belichick REALLY think he knew something that no one else in the NFL knew?
20. This is how Tom Brady dances.
These dance moves somehow hypnotized the most famous supermodel in the world.
21. Russell Wilson’s penis was featured on the cover of Sports Illustrated.
Or should we blame the shadows?
23. Rob Gronkowski erotica exists.
And yes, of course Gronk is aware of it, and yes, OF COURSE he has read excerpts out loud in a press conference.
24. The Seahawks compared their comeback victory over the Green Bay Packers to the civil rights movement — on MLK weekend.
Seahawks posted (then deleted) this MLK Day tweet. Equating the civil rights struggle with a football game? Good god.
25. Plenty of Seahawks fans left the NFC Championship game early and were refused re-entry.