Why are you gonna ask me if I want round or square if you’re going to do your own damn thing anyway?!
1. First, you walk into the nail salon, probably without an appointment.
“A manicure, please?”
“You have an appointment?”
2. If you’re with your mom, you endure the ever-hilarious and totally over-done, “is this your sister?! You are both so pretty,” bit.
Clearly this is my mother, but I’ll awkward laugh with you because you think that this skit is funny every time I come in.
3. You stand in front of the wall of colors as if you’ve never made a decision for yourself before now.
“Magic 8 Ball, shall I pick this cheap Essie color to pick off my nails for the next week?”
“Hell to the no.”
4. You sit to wait your turn while clarifying and justifying the type of service you want several times.
No, I really don’t want a spa pedicure, or long, plastic tips. Just the ol’ paint and dry today.
5. Finally you get to sit and are immediately bombarded with a number of uncomfortable questions.
“You have a boyfriend?”
“That’s the question of the year…”
6. Also, “Oh no, why did you bite your cuticles?”
Refer back to the anxiety that comes from your first question.
7. And, “Round or square?” Even though you know that the manicurist is going to do whatever the heck he or she pleases.
I want square but I am assuming that at least one of my nails will either be sharp enough to scratch someone’s eye out or so round that the other nails make it look ridiculous.
8. While your nails are being filed away, obviously in the opposite way you asked them to be, you get asked, “You need an eyebrow wax?”
But really it sounds more like you are being told that you need your eyebrows waxed and all you want is to be able to pull your hands away and touch the caterpillars on your face to see what’s going on up there.
9. You pay for your manicure right before the painting starts, and do the awkward how-much-do-I-tip calculation in your head.
10. You go out on a limb before the first coat of paint and try to show your manicurist a photo of what you want your nails to look like.
You know you are taking a risk that will probably end badly, but you live in a Pinterest cloud and have way too much trust.
11. Once your nails start getting painted you immediately think, “Is that what this color looks like out of the bottle?!” because you hate everything about it.
Shit shit shit shit, that looks so bad but I don’t want to make her start over.
12. Then after the second coat you realize that it’s actually nice and the anxiety attack subsides.
13. As you get up to go dry you fumble with your things until your manicurist helps you out.
Can I get a couple of dry-nailed hands over here?! Thanks, boo.
14. You sit and dry for what feels like forever and think about all of the life that is passing you by.
List of things you could be doing:
– Eating a taco.
– Watching Netflix on your couch.
– Eating two tacos.
15. And while you’re focusing on not smudging your nails in the dryer you sit through your complimentary massage trying not to be the most awkward person in the room.
For some reason you’re always facing a mirrored wall so you can watch your own face as the massage progresses and it’s just not what you want or need.
16. You are finally ready to leave the salon, and play the can-I-get-my-keys-without-smudging-my-nails game on the way out.
Long answer: if you’re careful you probably can do it.
Short answer: no.
17. You are showered with a million goodbyes from everyone in the salon.
Like a damn princess.
18. You get all the way home only to realize that one of your nails is already smudged.
19. Now, not only are your nails not dry at all, you also have to pee.
Cue all things awkward.
20. You accept that the manicure is imperfect, because honestly, from far away it looks okay.
It’s better than what you would have done at home at least.